circumantis.net

Home

About Me

Commonplace

Category: Rambles

Disorganized thoughts.

  • Nonchalance

    I find it bizarre how nonchalance about everything, even things you care about, is the status quo, or at least it feels like that. I just remember since middle school I rarely let myself indulge in the things I like and love out of worry of being percieved as ‘cringey’ and therefore weird and unlikable by others. I remember I stopped watching anime once entering middle school because I realized not everyone watched it, and the kids who did were seen as ‘weird’, and I didn’t want to be weird I wanted to fit in so badly, which then made me cringey and weird.

    I’ve just always made myself so concerned with how others percieve me, even in moments when no eyes are on me. And it’s so draining, I want to let myself exist and enjoy my silly little shows, but sometimes I can barely walk to the store without worrying what someone might think of me. Actually, I’ve gotten better at that, I’m just still struggling with showing I care about things since that means being vulnerable.

    I think that feeling of vulnerability is why people view being ‘cringey’ as bad, because you’re letting yourself be open and authentic to strangers. I definitely find what some people do as ‘cringey’, but then I remember that this is just someone showing something that makes them happy and isn’t causing any harm other than secondhand embarassment sometimes. And I just hate that I still hold this feeling for myself though, that I still hate showing I care about something.

    This safeguarding of my ego has definitely hurt me with relation/friendships I could’ve built, let alone my own confidence and self-expression. It’s stopped me from feeling confident in my art and ever posting because I immediately get worried someone will realize I drew that and will make fun of me. But then I think about it and it’s like, make fun of me for what?? For drawing? For putting myself out there and showcasing something I’m proud of? Insecurities are the silliest things when you really think about them.

  • Creativity is Dying

    I hate how sucked into my phone I’ve gotten, even more so as an artistic person. I can feel how constantly filling my head as to not let any thought process because it’s easier to not think and just swipe on my phone. Though there are times when my phone shows me a post that does inspire me, I notice a lack of my own creativity coming out of me, that I can’t think of any idea that I want to create with a sense of originality and my self in it.

    It’s all just bizarre being old enough to remember a time where I didn’t have the same techno-luxury I have now, yet also remembering clearly when the shift of playing outside to wanting to sit in front of a computer happened. I used to have so many ideas, albiet not good ones, but at least I felt the urge to create and do things but now I struggle so much to make something and decide on what I want it to be.

    Even outside of art I can feel my brain essentially rotting. My grammar has become so terrible lately, my reading skills feel are weak now, sometimes I’ll struggle to form my own independent thoughts when needing to write about something. But I do know I am trying to heal this problem in my mind. I don’t rely on machines to create my thoughts or art for me, I at least pick up a pencil and try to draw or think out whatever is rattling in my head, and I am proud of that. It feels good to know that I am creating, that it’s me choosing what lines to draw, it’s me making those spelling errors responses, it’s me actually creating and trying to do something because I care about it.

    I can never understand signing up for a class, or trying to learn a creative skill, and resorting to machine to do all of the labor for you. It takes the joy out of creating, because even if it’s bad, you can continue to work on it to make it better. Creation and thoughts shouldn’t be instantanious, it should take time and intention, y’know? It all just makes me think about how insecure I can get about showing my art, thinking it’s not good enough. But now I realize not only is art subjective, but my art is almost two decades worth of practice, trying, and learning.

    I feel this post isn’t too cohesive but the overarching theme is there, that being sucked into your phone and technology that does your thinking for you, that hands out quick hits of dopamine, only hinders the creativity that is latent inside. It is so important for actual humans to create and connect with each other, whether or not that creation is ‘good’ or ‘bad’, because that’s all so subjective. To limit yourself because your ego can’t handle the thought of criticism that has yet to exist against you is crazy, and something I am constantly unlearning. I hope, and already feel like, this class is allowing me to indulge more in my creativity as I design this website further.