Nonchalance

I find it bizarre how nonchalance about everything, even things you care about, is the status quo, or at least it feels like that. I just remember since middle school I rarely let myself indulge in the things I like and love out of worry of being percieved as ‘cringey’ and therefore weird and unlikable by others. I remember I stopped watching anime once entering middle school because I realized not everyone watched it, and the kids who did were seen as ‘weird’, and I didn’t want to be weird I wanted to fit in so badly, which then made me cringey and weird.

I’ve just always made myself so concerned with how others percieve me, even in moments when no eyes are on me. And it’s so draining, I want to let myself exist and enjoy my silly little shows, but sometimes I can barely walk to the store without worrying what someone might think of me. Actually, I’ve gotten better at that, I’m just still struggling with showing I care about things since that means being vulnerable.

I think that feeling of vulnerability is why people view being ‘cringey’ as bad, because you’re letting yourself be open and authentic to strangers. I definitely find what some people do as ‘cringey’, but then I remember that this is just someone showing something that makes them happy and isn’t causing any harm other than secondhand embarassment sometimes. And I just hate that I still hold this feeling for myself though, that I still hate showing I care about something.

This safeguarding of my ego has definitely hurt me with relation/friendships I could’ve built, let alone my own confidence and self-expression. It’s stopped me from feeling confident in my art and ever posting because I immediately get worried someone will realize I drew that and will make fun of me. But then I think about it and it’s like, make fun of me for what?? For drawing? For putting myself out there and showcasing something I’m proud of? Insecurities are the silliest things when you really think about them.